I've been a widow for seven months now, and I've found that one of the best ways to cope with my new life is by making changes in my home.
I know that sounds strange—after all, my husband's secondary cancer diagnose led to our moving. He died at home on hospice care. Why would I be thinking about redecorating?
When you're newly widowed, it's important to do things that make you feel good. And rearranging your furniture and other possessions can help you feel like yourself again.
When I first moved into this house with my husband, he was able to voice preference on furniture placements, future wall colors, and where to hang art work. We made these decisions together. It felt so good to finally have a place that felt like us and was in the process of becoming more us!
After he passed away, the house felt like a shell of itself. Most of the walls were still the cream color we had at the point of purchase. Though our art was on the walls they didn't feel like us anymore—they felt empty and sad. So initially I got my daughter to help pack away the holiday decorations and rearrange the family room. It helped but I knew it was time for some serious changes in the decor department.
I'm sure you've been told that you should wait a certain amount of time before making any major changes to your home.
And I'm sure you've heard that advice, and then thought, "You know what? That's not me." I know it wasn't me, either.
I was newly widowed after my husband died of cancer, and I wanted to make physical changes in our house right away—and not just because it felt like a safe way to express my grief. I wanted to find ways to make the house feel like "my" house again. And since I chose to become a caregiver for my husband while he was dying, it was doubly important for me to remember who I was outside of being his wife and caregiver.
Don't worry: that doesn't mean redecorating the entire house.
It can be overwhelming when you feel like you don't have any control over your life right now, but starting small is the best way to go! Pick one room or portion of it to make your own—maybe it's just one wall or a corner of the room. You can start there and then move on from there as time goes on.
Remember it is ok to set aside a space for things you need to decide what to do with or are too filled with emotions. Don't worry about getting rid of everything—just set up a little place where all those items can live until they're ready for their next chapter!
Use questions and your heart to decide what to keep and with what to part.
When you're newly widowed, it can be a challenge to figure out what to keep and what to part with.
If you're like me, you want to hold onto the memories! The love! The hope! But when facing the reality of a new life without your partner, it's important to make physical changes that are supportive of your grief process.
I know this sounds scary. It's hard to let go of something that reminds us of someone we love so dearly… but here's the thing: if we don't clear out the old stuff, it will continue to hold us back from moving forward in our lives.
So how do you decide what stays and what goes? Here are some questions I ask myself before making any changes:
What does this item mean to me?
Did my partner buy it for me? Did I buy it for him?
Is there a memory attached to this object that I need to hold onto? If so, then keep it. If not, consider parting with it.
Do I use this item regularly? If so, keep it! If not… say goodbye :)
Remember, you don't necessarily need to part with things now. You can set them aside in that space you identified for holding.
Mementos can hold so much meaning for many people
Things have mean not just for you but for family and friends of your spouse. This is why asking them about the things they want from the "part with collection" is important.
Remember to set a pick-up by date. It's important to be clear about what will happen to everything else after that date has passed—will they go into storage until someone needs them again? Or will they be donated?
Want to make this an event? Have an item retrieval party where friends and family can come over and help you pack up the things that are no longer useful or meaningful, but still hold some emotional value to them.
Make it fun!
Redecorating the home can be a fun, empowering process—and it's even more so when you're newly widowed.
You may have just spent years caring for your husband or wife as they battled cancer, and now your life has changed dramatically. The house is full of memories, but maybe there are things about it that feel like a constant reminder of what you've lost.
Are you ready to make some changes? ! Here are some fun ideas for how to reimagine your space:
1. Use Pinterest and other social media sites to collect ideas for how to rearrange furniture or paint walls in different colors. You'll find inspiration everywhere, from fashion magazines and home decor blogs to DIY tutorials on YouTube.
2. Take your time with each project—it's okay if it takes longer than expected! The point isn't to get things done quickly; it's about taking time out of your day to focus on something that brings you joy instead of stress or sadness (and it will!).
Ask for help and support
You will hear this over and over for many reasons - ASK FOR HELP from friends and family members.
Get help from friends and family members who love you and want to support your well-being. They'll be happy to help with anything from:
- basic cleaning
- heavy lifting
- furniture moving
- boxing donations
- and everything in-between!
I hope these ideas have been helpful to you. If you have any questions or need further assistance, please do not hesitate to reach out.