I'm a widow. I've been one for almost 8 months now, and it's been an adjustment. It's not as bad as people say it will be. In fact, it's sometimes quite liberating to know that you won't ever have to deal with another argument or fight again. But there are things missing from my life, like routines and traditions that used to make me feel at home — those things aren't easy to find again after your spouse dies, but they can be replaced with new routines and traditions that you create on your own terms!
In this series of posts I'm going to share some of the things I've learned along the way. I hope they help you through whatever changes are happening in your own life right now...and maybe even inspire some new adventures!
I am a w
ork from home widow living alone in a new city. I've been trying to figure out how to structure my days and what's best for me. In the past, Most of my life was structured around work (mine and my husband's) and leisure time. When we ate meals, what time we got up or went to bed, when we took vacations and for how long...it was guided by our work schedules...
When he was diagnosed with cancer, medical care gained the upper hand in structuring our lives. (Let’s just say there wasn’t the same predicable rhythm.) To meet the lack of predictability and to care for him, I quit working.
His death brought an abrupt end to structured life. Now that I'm on my own, I don't have anyone to plan with or checking up on me. The only person who knows what's going on with me is myself (and maybe Google).
For example: there was recently an article written about this very topic by Lena Corwin at The Cut titled “The Case for Routine” where she discusses how even though routines can feel restrictive at times, they can also be helpful in creating stability and structure in our lives. She writes: “I feel calmer when there’s some predictability in how things will go down each day — and more productive overall."
Figuring out how to structure my days
I have been trying to figure out how to structure my days and what's best for me. As I work from home widow, I have more time freedom than someone who works an office job would. The problem is that I don't really know what I should do with all of this extra time!
I've been asking myself: "How can I make this work for me?"
But then I realized that the question was flawed, because there are no right answers. Everyone has different interests and needs, so there isn't one way that will work well for everyone. That's why we need to find out what works best FOR US individually; not just doing things because it's supposed to be good for us or others think we should do them.
Will a daily rhythm make me feel more connected?
One way to help yourself feel more connected, productive and in control of your day is by establishing a daily rhythm.
A rhythm is things you include. simple as making your bed every day. It can also include what you wear each day; this might be something as simple as wearing black pants and a white shirt, or it could be more elaborate (like being a model). You could decide that every weekday morning you'll read the newspaper while drinking coffee, or on weekends instead of reading newspapers you'd rather go for long walks along the beach with friends. It isn't a locked time but a rhythm or a flow to your day.
The key here is consistency: creating a pattern of behavior that becomes habitual over time so that eventually it becomes automatic—you don't even have to think about doing it anymore!
But what are the various sections?
The first thing to do is to define the different sections of your day. We all have them, but they're usually not defined with much precision. If we don't know what those sections are, how can we be intentional about how they work?
I've found it helpful to think of these in two main categories—work and play. Work is broken up into morning, afternoon, evening, night and weekend (lunch falls somewhere between afternoon and evening). Play could be considered anything else that's not work or sleep—it could include things like exercise or socializing with friends or family (and maybe even watching Netflix).
For each section of your day/week/year/life plan:
What will you spend your time doing?
How long will this activity take?
What rhythm will best work for me at this time for that section of the day?
How do I use my time in a way that helps me and makes me happy?
How do I use my time in a way that helps me and makes me happy?
I think it's important to remember that there are two parts of our lives: work and life. We all have jobs, but they're not the only thing we do, so it's important to find a balance between the two. It can be stressful when you spend too much time at work (or even if you don't). So how can we make sure that we're spending our time in the right way?
One thing I've found helpful is creating small moments throughout my day where I am happy or enjoying myself. These are usually times when I am doing something relaxing like reading or talking with friends online, but it could also be something more active like going for an afternoon walk or taking up some sort of hobby for fun! I also try to build allowance for grief.
I've also found by using the concept of rhythm I can adjust the speed of moving through the activities. I also seem less likely to insert negative self talk if not everything happens.
How can I create meaningful moments in my day?
You may have heard the saying that “life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans.” I'm not sure who said that first, but it's still true. Sometimes we get so caught up in the moment-to-moment detail of our lives that we don't stop to appreciate what's happening around us.
One way to start creating more meaningful moments is by checking out your calendar and finding space in your schedule for them. What do you want to accomplish? Make a list of all the things that would make today feel more like a success than a struggle (for example: calling an old friend, reading one chapter in a book). Then go through your calendar and find time for each item on that list.
Another way to create meaningful moments is by thinking about all the people who have touched your life—and then remember them! Sometimes the simplest thing can be the most meaningful: holding hands with someone special or taking time out from work early on Friday morning just so you can cook breakfast together before work starts again (if they work at home like me!).
I've been filled with a lot of emotions this past few months as I've gone through the grieving process. I've also been overwhelmed by how much my life has changed and how there is no way to get back to how things were before. This has caused me to question everything from what I eat and drink, what my daily routine looks like and even what makes my house feel like a home! (More on all this later!)